What to Do When Family Treats Me as a Doormat

Having grown up with a passive aggressive mother, Ms. Meyers realized its legacy and vowed to become a improve, more than direct communicator.

The developed children of passive-aggressive parents may struggle with communicating directly, trusting others, and expressing anger.

Mario Azzi via Unsplash; Canva

The Effect of a Passive-Ambitious Parent

• Do you lot loathe conflict and go to ridiculous lengths to avert it?
• Do you get turned off by assertive people, thinking they're too loud and forward?
• Practise yous have a string of failed relationships behind you caused by your poor communication skills?
• Do you distrust people, thinking they're gossiping behind your dorsum?
• Do you accept trouble expressing your emotions, especially anger?

If y'all're nodding your head consistently, you may be like me—the adult child of a passive-aggressive parent. Growing upwards in a dwelling where conflicts were handled indirectly (or not at all) may have left you ill-equipped to deal with the earth equally a grownup.

Passive Aggressiveness and Tomato Soup

When my lxxx-twelvemonth-old mother was visiting, I asked if she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup (ane of my favorite combinations on a cold day). She replied "aye." Later on finishing the meal, she so explained that tomato is her to the lowest degree favorite of all soups and that she simply finished the bowl to avoid offending me.

When my husband arrived home from work, she told him the story of how I made her tomato plant soup and she doesn't even like it. So, when my teenage sons entered the room, she told the tale once once again. Without a doubt, I knew she would echo this anecdote to everybody back at her retirement community. Every bit with so many of her accounts throughout the years, she would come up out looking similar a martyr, and me the bad guy.

If this kind of interaction with a parent sounds familiar, you lot may have a mom or dad who'due south passive-ambitious. Their behavior has influenced you in many negative ways that you may not even realize. Information technology's non as well tardily, though, to become enlightened of its touch on your life and change course similar I did.

Traits of a Passive-Ambitious Mother or Male parent

• Covert Hostility. Passive-aggressive parents show hostility indirectly rather than overtly. They hibernate feelings of fear and vulnerability under covert expressions and gestures of hostility.
• Resentment. They avoid people they don't like, procrastinate over tasks that they don't desire to practise, and ignore requests for favors.
• Game-Playing. They use indirect means of dealing with anger or negative emotions (gossip, sarcasm, procrastination, the silent treatment, guilt trips, avoidance, and sulking). They go far late to events they don't wish to attend and gossip rather than hash out bug contiguous.
• Gossip. Instead of discussing their fears and feelings openly, they say negative things near others behind their backs. And they try to get you to join them in the gossip.
• Finger-Pointing. They are extremely judgmental and critical of others, but not of themselves. They characterize feelings equally "bad" or "adept." They believe that "ugly" feelings should be subconscious and will and should pb to rejection and ostracism. They blame others for their ain bug.
• Guilt-Tripping. They constantly complain about how disrespected or unappreciated they are and how unfairly they are treated.

We all do these behaviors from time to time. Passive-aggressive folks, though, exercise them frequently as a manner to avoid open and direct advice. This makes it very hard to have a relationship with them.

Adult Children of Passive-Aggressive Parents Oftentimes Struggle in These 3 Areas:

1. Communicating direct. 2. Trusting others. 3. Expressing anger.

Saneej Kallingal via Unsplash; Canva

Iii Passive-Ambitious Things Parents Practice and How to Bargain With It

1. Indirect Communication

My parents never yelled or argued with 1 another when I was growing upward, but ours was annihilation but a happy home. In that location was always an undercurrent of hostility and frustration conveyed by my mother'due south deafening silence. When mad with my male parent, she'd have off in the car and drive around for hours before returning to our house. She'd then give the silent treatment for a couple of days to punish him.

My siblings and I grew up thinking that this was normal husband-wife beliefs. Years later as a newlywed, I slipped into my mother's silent treatment routine instead of expressing my acrimony and frustration to my husband. If I wanted to stay married, though, I had to cease this kittenish behavior and commencement communicating direct like a mature adult.

How to Deal With Pouting, Abstention, and Silent Handling

When nosotros give the silent treatment, pout, or retreat, information technology shows that we suffer from low self-esteem just like our passive-aggressive parents. We lack the conviction to express our emotions and articulate our thoughts. We worry that our "ugly" feelings will cause us to exist disliked and rejected. We, therefore, avoid directly communication and retreat to kittenish behaviors.

I learned how to plough this around by reading 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness. This illuminating book by Andrea Brandt, a long-time psychotherapist, helps us empathise how our parent'southward indirect hostility shaped our communication style. Moreover, it gives us advice on how to become stronger communicators.

Dr. Brandt defines passive-aggressiveness as "a coping mechanism people use when they perceive themselves to be powerless." Therefore, to liberate ourselves from these behaviors, we must accept charge and talk honestly and directly in a forthright manner.

To learn more most emotional withholding in female parent-daughter relationships, read v Means for Daughters to Heal From an Emotionally Absent-minded Mother.

Read More From Wehavekids

Low self-esteem tin can oft lead to passive-aggression.

Ilyuza Mingazova via Unsplash; Canva

Some suggest that passive-aggressive beliefs may stem from being raised in an surround where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or non allowed. People may experience that they cannot express their real feelings more openly, so they may instead notice ways to passively channel their anger or frustration.

— Kendra Cherry, author of "Everything Psychology Book"

2. Lack of Trust

I grew up in a abode with a gossipy female parent who badmouthed family unit members, friends, and neighbors. In adulthood she frequently targeted my older sister, complaining that she was a lousy housekeeper, a permissive parent, and a neglectful wife.

As a outcome of her rants against my sister and others, I developed a deep distrust of people. I became paranoid that folks were talking backside my back, making harsh judgments, and being unkind.

My passive-aggressive mother gossiped because she was too scared to speak frankly and and so deal with the fallout. Instead of expressing her concerns to my sister, she talked behind her back. While this made her feel better at the moment, it didn't solve the trouble. It was also poor role-modeling and made me suspicious and contemptuous of others.

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Communication and Gossip

When passive-aggressive folks gossip, they're using you lot instead of dealing with the trouble straight. Moreover, they're insulting your integrity by thinking that you lot accept a depression grapheme and are open to such talk. They're hurting you in the long run by making y'all less trusting. That'south why it's essential to your ain well-being to shut it down immediately.

Albert J. Bernstein, a clinical psychologist, recommends that "whenever gossips say something negative about someone, say something positive." I use his advice with my mother and find information technology quite effective.

When she starts to criticize my sis, I answer with something kind and supportive. I'll say, for instance, "She'due south a devoted mother who does so many fun activities with her kids," or "She's juggling so much right now with work and night classes." My affirmative comments permit my mother know that I'yard closed off to any negativity and gossip.

To learn more about the effects of a parent's negative words, read v Reasons Parental Verbal Abuse Is Far More than Dissentious Than We Thought.

This video explains how gossip is a passive-aggressive behavior, a betrayal, and a way to feel superior.

three. Inability To Express or Admit To Acrimony

I grew up in a home where my dad often displayed anger, but my mom never did. I learned from watching and listening to her that information technology was a taboo emotion, especially for females. It was ugly, unladylike, and to exist avoided at all price.

Considering angry feelings can't be bottled upward forever, though, they emerged in many covert ways. She used passive ambitious-behaviors such as sarcasm, the silent treatment, avoidance, and sulking. When I became an adult, I adopted these as well considering I thought they were prophylactic and advisable for a woman.

My disability to express my acrimony came to a dangerous climax, though, when my four-yr-old son was diagnosed with autism. My suppressed rage finally caught up with me, and I wound upwards in counseling and on anti-depressants. My therapist said that depression is anger turned inward. I had stuffed my rage for and so long that I had fallen into a deep despair.

How to Handle Anger

Looking back at that fourth dimension now, I realize that my reaction to my son's diagnosis was just a symptom of a much bigger problem. I knew I had to come to terms with all my feelings, especially anger, and learn to express them in a timely and constructive fashion.

When I'm mad now, I bargain with information technology by talking, exercising, and writing in my journal. I've learned how destructive passive-aggressive behaviors can be to my health—physically and emotionally—and I'm never going down that road again.

Acrimony has many positive qualities: Information technology tells us when something is incorrect, it can help you in terms of getting you to focus, evaluate your values and goals and strengthen your relationships and connections.

— Andrea Brandt, therapist and author of "Mindful Anger: The Emotional Path to Freedom"

Did you have a passive-ambitious parent?

Questions & Answers

Question: I grew up with a passive ambitious mother and people walk all over me. What tin I do?

Answer: Being a chump is your legacy as the developed child of a passive aggressive parent, but you lot don't demand to stay that style. Yous had a role model, your mother, who didn't speak directly, couldn't handle issues head-on, and avoided conflict at all cost. While growing up, you adopted many of these behaviors and thought that this was how adults interact in the globe. Today, though, your silence and inaction speak volumes and tell people that they can care for you poorly and you won't fight dorsum.

As the daughter of a passive aggressive mother, the hardest matter for me was learning how to speak up in the moment. I'd grown upward with a mom who suffered in silence, played the martyr, and bottled up her emotions. Throughout my twenty'due south and thirty's, I did the exact same matter. As a result, I stuffed my feelings with food, felt powerless, and became severely depressed. When I discovered how to become assertive and deal with things in the moment, I became empowered and my sadness dissipated.

My husband recently told me that he was taking a trip to visit his elderly parents in another land. In the past, I would take stayed placidity and felt wounded that he was going without me. I would have done some archetype passive aggressive moves such as sulking, pouting, and giving him the silent treatment.

Instead, though, I immediately asked him why he was going lonely. He explained that he wanted to discuss some private family matters with his mom and dad regarding their wills and medical directives. Past beingness assertive and speaking up, I cleared up the matter, didn't feel hurt, and avoided a trouble betwixt us.

When I was growing upwardly, my mother always said: "Discretion is the better role of valor." Therefore, I got the message that staying silent was best. That, however, turned me into a perpetual victim. Today, I permit my voice be heard and handle problems when they arise. If you kickoff doing the same, your life will change in miraculous means and y'all'll feel much better virtually yourself.

Question: My begetter manipulates to go what he wants. What should I do?

Answer: All passive-aggressive behaviors—pouting, gossiping, procrastinating, sulking, giving the silent handling—are manipulative. Like many other folks, your begetter probably started behaving this style as a kid because it got him what he wanted. As a outcome, his behaviors are deeply ingrained and highly resistant to beingness altered. That's why it'due south crucial that you change yourself by refusing to become a participant in his manipulations. Afterwards all, information technology takes 2 for a manipulation to succeed.

Call out his beliefs immediately and be specific. As a passive-aggressive person, he doesn't human action in an honest and direct fashion so you need to be the one who's forthright in the human relationship. Tell him that you lot see his actions every bit a manipulation and you won't autumn for information technology. Then disengage. Don't reward his behavior with your time and attention because that may exist exactly what he's wanting!

When I was growing up, my mother would manipulate me with compliments. Information technology was her way of keeping me engaged with her problems and getting the attending that she craved. She'd tell me her marital woes, for case, and I would give her input and communication (which probably wasn't worth much since I was a kid)!

Then, to keep me on the hook, she'd flatter me: "Oh, you're such a wonderful listener...You're so insightful and helpful...I'm so glad that I shared this with you and got your accept on it...Y'all'd make a wonderful spousal relationship advisor someday." Needless to say, this was heady stuff for me as a kid—just what I needed to hear to stay involved with her issues.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how she had manipulated me all those years. Fifty-fifty at the point when I could meet the dynamic clearly, I connected to be a willing participant because I wanted to stay close with her. I knew that she wouldn't want much of a relationship unless I connected to play that aforementioned supportive function. When I finally decided to cease, it was with that knowledge and acceptance that she would no longer want to spend much time with me.

Stand dorsum from the state of affairs and ask yourself why y'all permit the manipulation go along when you conspicuously run across it. What's the payoff for y'all? What will you lose when you no longer participate? Are you willing to accept that loss?

The change starts with you. I wish you well with that.

Question: My father has made near constant passive aggressive comments about me and I'm but realizing now how much it'south destroyed my self-esteem. How tin can I build myself up?

Answer: I'one thousand glad that you've recognized your father'southward passive aggressive remarks for what they are and acknowledge their negative impact on you lot. The writer, Peggy O' Mara, offered a cautionary annotation to parents by saying: "The way nosotros talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Through the years, you have internalized your dad's hostile comments and at present need to reprogram your thinking. If you're struggling to exercise that, cognitive therapy can help.

Focusing on positive self-talk and daily self-intendance volition exist invaluable as you lot heal. You demand to replace your male parent's negative words with your own kind, supportive ones. You demand to develop habits such equally exercising, meditating, and writing in a journey to promote your well-being. The skilful news is that this is all within your command.

There is no better mode to build ane's self-esteem than by setting goals and working hard to achieve them. No self-help book, no assertiveness training workshop, no hours of therapy will be equally effective. Our self-confidence increases when we do hard things and make ourselves proud. They can include losing weight through a daily do regime, signing up for classes to acquire a 2nd linguistic communication, mastering a new fashion of cooking, or training for a marathon. Conversely, when we set out to achieve a goal merely so quit, we get down on ourselves and our self-esteem slips.

As you motion forwards, information technology will be important to limit contact with your father. Moreover, you'll want to spend more time with friends and family who are positive and supportive. Best of everything to you!

© 2018 McKenna Meyers

McKenna Meyers (writer) on August 18, 2020:

Carla, I'm and so glad that reading my commodity gave y'all insight on your family and motivation to learn more. For those of us who grew up with passive aggressive parents, it'southward incredibly difficult to pinpoint the dysfunction because everything happened nether the surface. In that location were no large blow ups that led us to say: "That was the root of the problem." You lot're very wise to focus on reading more and taking skilful intendance of yourself. Trying to change passive aggressive folks is truly a fool'southward errand.

Carla on Baronial 17, 2020:

Thank you, Mckenna. This article quite literally simply changed my life. I have spent then and then many years (i am 33) never beingness able to put a finger on what is wrong with me whatever why my family unit and i dont always talk about anything...ever. it wasnt until i moved in with my partner and his family last yr that i realised families actually discussed issues, had family unit meeting etc. I idea those were merely Disney Moving picture imaginings!!! As i said ive spent years trying to determine what was incorrect with me when i had never thought id experienced any trauma in my life, i had a comfy, safe and somewhat sheltered upbringing and idea all trauma was acquired by huge violent or calumniating events. The daily practice of passive aggressive behaviour never hit me. Until now. Thank you again, i'thou off to practice some inquiry and give myself all of the self-care! :-)

McKenna Meyers (author) on Baronial 14, 2020:

Yes, Glenn, when we're non vigilant, angry and negative people tin can accept u.s. down with them. When I was a newlywed, I had a neighbour who always complained nearly her husband. Earlier I knew it, I had joined in with her to kvetch most my guy even though I had no existent complaints. It took me years to appreciate that some people just dear negativity. I'yard not one of them, though, so I stay positive and merely move on from them.

Glenn Stok from Long Island, NY on Baronial 14, 2020:

My parents weren't passive aggressive, simply my mother was often angry. She displayed her anger past expressing her thoughts in a similar style to how your mom made comments virtually y'all. I found your story very insightful for that reason.

I learned from you something that is quite useful, McKenna. When someone treats me that way, just respond with something kind and supportive.

I tin can't practise that with my mom anymore since she passed abroad many years ago, only that method is useful for dealing with anyone who acts similar that.

McKenna Meyers (author) on August 10, 2020:

Thanks for the kind words, Cheryl.

Cheryl E Preston from Roanoke on August 10, 2020:

Smashing commodity. Thank you for your insight.

McKenna Meyers (author) on Apr 17, 2020:

Emotionally yours, I have 1 word for yous to get through this trying time: acceptance. Don't imagine that you can change your mom or build a better human relationship with her during this menstruation. Instead, realize she is who she is and focus on taking good care of yourself: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Set up up a daily routine of self-care activities: meditating, praying, practicing yoga, walking outside, writing in a journal, phoning friends, and reading. Make up one's mind upon some activities that you and your mom tin do together that you both find soothing: watching a favorite Tv show, playing a board game, going for a drive, preparing a meal. The spiritual instructor, Eckhart Tolle, says: "Accept this moment as if yous had chosen it." He wasn't speaking specifically to this coronavirus pandemic, but his words certainly utilise to information technology. If we try to fight this reality, nosotros only create more stress for ourselves. Take good care and stay safe!

Eimotionally Yours on Apr 17, 2020:

I'm currently cocky isolating with my mum and she volition be under lockdown til June 21st .

Growing up she e'er made everything about her. She still does. The love apple soup story actually resonated with me. All tips and communication gratefully received.

McKenna Meyers (author) on January xiii, 2020:

As I start to dread my 83-year-old mother's upcoming visit, I definitely empathize with you lot. I always go into information technology with the all-time of intentions: to stay calm, to take intendance of myself, and to not let her get to me. Inevitably, though, I lose my patience at some time indicate because she repeats constantly and doesn't seem to absorb annihilation I say. You're correct that it's a combination of passive aggressiveness, one-time historic period, and brusque-term retention loss. It's unlikely that a passive ambitious person will change so it'due south all-time to change yourself. Whether it's finding a unlike place to live, putting a lock on your bedroom door, or forming an brotherhood with your dad, I hope that y'all'll find some workable solutions. This is no fashion for you to alive. Take care!

RoothieII on January 13, 2020:

Commenting here because in that location is no one else I desire to tell, but I've got to vent. I moved into my elderly parents' home iii years ago and I'm getting really annoyed having to deal with my mom'due south passive aggression. For example, when I moved in, I told her that I eat dinner at viii:00 pm and would not exist eating dinner with them at v:30. I just realized that I've been with them now for three years and she has literally asked me over one,000 times, "Will you exist eating dinner with u.s. this evening?" I've just been proverb "No, I'll exist dining at 8:00 pm." She is a little senile, so I was patiently answering her every dark, but I've come to realize that she knows when I eat and that her question is but a form of harassment because she is angry that I don't eat with her. I'm going to confront her on this tonight and let her know that I know SHE KNOWS I won't be dining at 5:30 and she needs to finally take that. Also, that her behavior is really driving me away, and making it less likely that I will want to dine with her. She is 93, and I will probably just have to patiently put upwardly with it. But I'm going to be directly with her and hopefully information technology will improve our human relationship. I'yard very introverted and she's very extroverted and needs to have people around her all the fourth dimension. She also lacks boundaries- knocking on the bathroom door, walking into my room without waiting for me to say information technology's okay, etc. then it's tough for me to get time to myself. I knew it would exist hard living with her and I knew I would take to suffer this kind of stuff. Possibly I don't have to suffer so much. Peradventure being straight will assistance.

McKenna Meyers (author) on May 19, 2019:

Thanks for your kind words, Pamela. I, too, grew up in a dwelling where we couldn't express our emotions and vocalization our opinions. When I got out in the existent earth, I couldn't even articulate what I thought. Perhaps, that's why I turned to writing! Now I "feel the feels" every bit people say today because I know it'due south central to my well-being. It doesn't come naturally, though, and I can easily revert to that footling daughter who bottled up everything and became depressed. People often joke about passive-aggressive behaviors and minimize them, but they tin can be so subversive in our lives and relationships.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on May 19, 2019:

This is such a thorough, well-written article about passive aggressive behavior. I relate to some parts of this, not the gossip just the doing anything to avoid disharmonize. I have worked difficult over the years to express my feelings and not simply be silent.

At my business firm growing up nosotros better not take an stance about anything that disagreed with their views. I just close upwards about anything that would event in me being shamed by them. Really, my female parent changed for the better over the years and we became very close. That is not especially true for my sis and I unfortunately.

Thank you for sharing such valuable information. We continue learning until we die I call up.

McKenna Meyers (writer) on March 29, 2019:

Doris, I know how frustrating it is to deal with passive ambitious individuals and can't imagine existence married to one. It sounds, though, similar you're handling information technology well. My grandmother was an alcoholic who died from cirrhosis of the liver when my mom was 8. After her death, my mom was sent to a boarding school and stayed there until she graduated from loftier schoolhouse. Her passive aggressive ways stem from feeling rejected past her mom and the resulting harm to her cocky-esteem. During her time at boarding school, she shut downwards emotionally because she had no family to hear her ache. Today, her passive aggressive behaviors allow her to express hostility but in a seemingly "nice" way. Similar your husband, there's no way she would ever modify considering her passive aggressive ways are too deeply ingrained. Best to you!

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on March 28, 2019:

McKenna, your article is very interesting and on the spot. I did not have passive aggressive parents. They were both very capable of speaking their mind. Nevertheless, a few years back, I realized that I accept a passive aggressive husband. I have explained to him how hard that makes life for me, just he is as immovable as the blob. In fact, I've told him then. I've also come to the conclusion that he has Asberger'south Syndrome. He was diagnosed equally dyslexic as a kid and trained to manage it, but back then, they didn't know much, if anything, about autism or Asberber's.

Which brings upward a question. I wonder what kind of life your female parent had to deal with to make her PA. Y'all mentioned your autistic son. Could it be possible that autism runs in your family, and your mother dealt with an autistic family unit fellow member in the just way she knew how? I used to really fight back anger dealing with my hubby'due south PA, simply now I allow information technology all hang out and put his pouting and PA right dorsum on him. I see no reason to take it.

McKenna Meyers (author) on November 27, 2018:

Paula, what a beautiful and uplifting response to my article! I'yard and then pleased information technology helped you think those memories of your wonderful straight-talking family. You were truly lucky to have them, and I know they loved you dearly. Cheers for sharing.

Suzie from Carson City on November 27, 2018:

McKenna....a very thorough and interesting commodity on the topic of passive-aggresive family traits. I'k happy to say I was able to answer a resounding "No," to each of your opening questions.

My family was the same Mom & Dad forever and one older sister....(quite sadly, they have all passed.) In our domicile, everyone spoke their mind, conspicuously & respectfully & e'er. We said what we meant and meant what we said. Called a spade, a spade and during any sort of disharmonize, we discussed things in rational, open and honest ways. My sister and & got along famously, had a actually shut bail throughout our lives. Our mother was the "Chief!" Dad was a multi-talented & extremely comedic man.....he usually acted equally the equalizer. There was zero passive-aggresive behavior/attitude. It would non have been tolerated and only wasn't necessary.

Nosotros had our normal/salubrious ups & downs but for the most part, nosotros were a very agile, happy and productive crew!

I'1000 well enlightened how blessed we were and am forever grateful for my upbringing, my family and the fabled memories I have and hold tightly always. Thank you for helping me to retrieve them!! Peace, Paula

McKenna Meyers (author) on September 09, 2018:

Thank you, Annie, for sharing your story nearly your mother. My heart goes out to you. When I read that gossiping is a passive-aggressive beliefs, it opened my eyes. My mother's gossiping has hurt so many relationships inside our firsthand and extended family. Now I come across that she gossiped to feel meliorate nigh herself and superior to others. I'd never tell her anything that I wouldn't want everyone else to know, which is quite distressing and makes our human relationship rather superficial. Just that'due south the way it goes. Stay strong!

Debra Roberts from Ohio on September 08, 2018:

Many of your points actually hit home with me and my dysfunctional human relationship with my mother, who is narcissistic and passive ambitious, a terrible combination. I don't e'er call back a visit with her where she wasn't gossiping nigh her church friends, her neighbors, our family unit, or my younger sister. I'll never forget when my Aunt Shirley waltzed into my son's high school graduation political party and confronted me in front of everyone about my divorce (of 2 years prior) spewing a bunch of b.s. that my female parent has concocted in her own listen (every bit she won't heed to the truth from me), and what she has told all of our extended family, who take since decided they want goose egg to practise with me. It was the most humiliating day of my life and the just matter that I tin can call back about my quaternary kid's special day. How a mother can care for her own developed child with such hate and disapproval is beyond me. To this mean solar day I don't understand how my father lived with her. I could not wait to become away. Anyways, nifty read and it's ever refreshing to know that we are not lonely; although I'd never desire this nonsense for anyone.

McKenna Meyers (author) on September 01, 2018:

You're so right, Swati. When the holidays approach, I hear many people worry and complain nigh the upwards-coming family unit get-togethers. I'm imaging their trepidation is caused by a passive-aggressive family member. In our family unit, my mother has gossiped and bad-mouthed everyone throughout the twelvemonth so when nosotros get together everyone feels awkward and defensive. In her mind, though, she never gossips; she just "relates information from one person to some other!" Thank you for reading and commenting.

Swati from Republic of india on August 31, 2018:

This happens in almost everyone's family. That one passive- aggressive person always makes things complex. The worst part is no one can really exercise anything about it. Every bit they don't injure us directly, nosotros besides can't do anything well-nigh it. It's a clever plan to make oneself superior to others.

McKenna Meyers (author) on August 16, 2018:

Thank you for your thoughtful comments and kind words, Tim. I never recognized my mother'south passive-ambitious behavior until my teenage son took a psychology class at high schoolhouse and pointed it out to me. Her behavior definitely had caused problems in my life with depression and anxiety. As you lot wrote, my awareness of passive-aggressive behaviors has led me to despise them. Straight talk is what I crave!

Tim Truzy from U.S.A. on August xv, 2018:

Thank you for an interesting commodity on your experience with passive aggressive individuals in your family. This blazon of behavior can be dangerous, leading to long-term physical health problems likewise as drug abuse and severe psychological bug. You did an excellent job of explosing these behaviors for what they are in your commodity.

Not surprisingly, some inquiry propose that later on a person has dealt with passive agressive tendencies or people with these behaviors, with awareness, they tend to prefer more assertive people.

Y'all were correct on the money with that aspect of human patterns of interaction.

Give thanks you once more.

Much respect,

Sincerely,

Tim

McKenna Meyers (author) on August 07, 2018:

Stella, your comments perfectly articulate the feelings of someone who's fed up with a passive-aggressive relative and can't accept information technology any more. I can relate to your raw pain and then can many others. Passive-aggressive relatives are exhausting, exasperating, and dissentious to our mental and emotional well-being. Sometimes limiting or eliminating contact with them is the merely solution.

Years ago when my female parent was visiting, I left her in charge of my two preschoolers while I went to the market. When I returned, she was sitting on the sofa with my two boys watching the movie, "Silence of the Lambs" (if yous don't know, it's about a serial killer who eats his victims). When I got frustrated and said, "Mom, yous can't watch that with little kids," she feigned ignorance in a classic passive-aggressive way, saying "I didn't know I shouldn't practise that." However, every bit the female parent of four grown children and a sometime elementary school teacher, she definitely knew improve. I never left my kids alone with her again and, perhaps, that was her goal all along.

Limiting my contact with her has been the all-time thing for me, my union, and my children. She has no interest in examining her behavior and irresolute it and then putting distance betwixt us is what works. My older son, who recently took a psychology grade in high school, labeled his grandmother'southward behavior equally passive-aggressive during our last get-together. Fifty-fifty though I had never spoken to him about this topic, he was able to meet it for what information technology was with such ease and objectivity. I wish I could have done that when I was growing up with her instead of being a victim of it!

Best of luck to you as you lot move forward. Cheers for sharing!

Stella on August 06, 2018:

I don't want to empathise this behavior to help accept the aggressors- the PA's. I want to understand this behavior to shut them down and close them out.

Understanding- why practise supreme manipulators deserve understanding? Peculiarly when they volition not change . Who cares? Passive Aggressive manipulators are selfish assholes. Who wants to empathise them? Not me .I spent vi years trying to salvage a relationship with my sister. Information technology was not worth it and made it worse. I am not her punching bag anymore. I don't detest her.I would still help her if she needed assistance. Simply I won't see her anymore and let her spin her web. She will accept to discover another target . I am done.

McKenna Meyers (author) on Feb 23, 2018:

Cheers, Cynthia. Passive aggressive beliefs is then common in families. Information technology was and so deeply embedded in mine that nosotros all did it and considered it polite. Merely, it's really just the contrary. I can never accept a deep, honest conversation with my mom because she finds the directness offensive. She'd rather have me gossip behind her back! The volume is a terrific one -- easy to read and relate to your own life.

McKenna Meyers (writer) on Feb 23, 2018:

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughtful comments, Vladimir. It sounds like you lot've been aware and intentional every pace of your journeying. I've only gotten there recently. Now I want to live each twenty-four hour period to the fullest and capeesh the simple things. You're a good example of someone who refused to permit his family unit define him. That took a lot of forcefulness, insight, and character.

Cynthia Zirkwitz from Vancouver Island, Canada on February 22, 2018:

Excellent insights into what I recognize as a common, frustrating and preferred disfunctional method of interacting in my own extended family.

I besides appreciate your review of a book that has helped you to overcome some of your own passive-aggressive means of dealing with others. I will accept to read that myself! Good job!

All the all-time, Cynthia

ValKaras on February 22, 2018:

McKenna---I enjoyed reading your article. Although I couldn't relate to passive aggressiveness every bit a characteristic of my quondam family---whenever I recollect of them, an expression past the tardily British comedian Benny Hill comes to listen: "What a lovely bunch of coconuts".

So, I did have my share of recovering from the toxic aspects of that ambient, only "I did it my style", as the title of the old hit vocal says.

Almost the time of my puberty I read my starting time volume in psychology. I don't know if it helped much, but it did ignite my thinking processes nearly my family and my place in information technology.

Maybe due to my innate calm temperament, I intuitively stopped taking them seriously, as the kickoff pace of that recovery. They were to live their own life according to their mindsets, and I was to follow my ain elation, as even in those years I developed a gustatory modality for feeling detached from human stupidity and decided for myself what intimate reality I was going to have.

All in all, I didn't permit them push my emotional buttons. I practiced yoga, meditation, I drifted, I read a mountain of books, played guitar and sang like Pat Boone. Couldn't care less that my family chose the path of a soap opera.

In that location are easy ways, McKenna, I always believed in that. Notwithstanding do.

However, allow me to congratulate y'all on your constructive turn effectually in life. It'due south so heart-filling to read stories similar that with such winning outcomes. All the best to you. - Val

chavezheadee50.blogspot.com

Source: https://wehavekids.com/parenting/Do-You-Grow-Up-in-a-Passive-Aggressive-Family-How-to-Stop-the-Cycle-and-Become-More-Assertive

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